Game Reviews

Aug 13

GRID

Game Reviews .::. 25 Views No Comments »

Developer: Codemasters
Publisher: Codemasters
Release Date: May 30, 2008
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: I have no idea what the name GRID is supposed to mean.

0:00 I’ve heard this game compared favorably to MotorStorm and Dirt, two other driving games I enjoyed quite a bit.

0:01 “CODEMASTERS PRESENTS” some generic shots of European cities and tracks. Extremely shiny car porn commences, complete with extreme camera shaking during some spectacular crashes. Nice shots from inside the cockpit and wheel well. My wife Michelle watches from the couch: “I’m not the demographic, but it doesn’t even seem like good car porn to me.”

0:02 “Please Press Start,” the screen says. So polite! Most games would just order me to press start. “Welcome. Please fill out your driver profile,” says a semi-robotic female voice. I enter Drivey McDriverson, causing Michelle to say, I’m “very predictable.” What can I say?

0:03 I can choose from a list of “audio names” for the voice actors to call me during play, I guess. I choose Spanky, because it’s just so ridiculous. I mean, come on, Spanky?

0:04 “Hello, Spanky. You’re now ready to race,” says the semi-robotic voice. I nearly fall out of my chair with laughter. SPANKY!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

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Spectral Force 3

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Developer: Idea Factory
Publisher: Atlus
System: Xbox 360
Release Date: July 29, 2008
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Take that, bad guy

0:00 Before I received this game in the mail, I did not know that Spectral Force 3 existed, much less Spectral Force 1 and 2!

0:01 A desolate, anime mountainscape with smoke coming from the volcanic core. A boy in rags lies on the ground. “Where… where am I? What happened to me?” Fair questions, both. Floating humanoid beasts appear behind him. He runs off as they glow blue and float after him. He screams as the camera pans away. Cut to shots of green fields with blue rivers. Quick cuts of anime battle scenes. A girl prays at a statue. A guy drinks straight from a large bottle. The intro ends with a band of warriors standing heroically on a hillside, one of them waving. Cue title!

0:05 “Neverland… A world where gods reside in heaven, the dead in the underworld, and demons, humans and other races struggle for dominance over each other on the Earth.” What a clunky description. The evil overlord Janus was defeated by human heroes, but his daughter started a war with a new “Overlord army.” Bands of mercenaries formed in response, “not restrained by the bounds of race or nationality.”

0:06 Back to the present, a guy on horseback sends in two more units after his first band got annihilated. Suddenly, a black-clad fellow walks in, using two flailing tentacles on his shoulders to knock the unit about like tenpins. The King is impaled rather dramatically by the same tentacles. “Pathetic humans are so fragile,” says the mysterious figure. Ain’t it the truth.

0:07 The anime cut scenes have stopped, replaced with spoken and subtitled text over still, drawn pictures of the characters. “Hey old man, when are we gonna get some action?” asks Dragan. “Easy there kid, we’re the backup unit,” replies Judo. Are these the good guys? A messenger brings word that King Zaflak has been killed. Sounds like he needs supplemental insurance? ZAFLAK!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

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The Dig

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Developer: LucasArts
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: November 1995
Systems: PC, Mac
ESRB Rating: K-A

In a nutshell: In space, everyone can hear you talk a lot.

0:00 Don’t know much about this game, but the LucasArts and “Steven Spielberg” names on the CD case convinced me to throw down the $1.20 asking price at the thrift shop.

0:01 The camera pans over a stormy night with soaring clouds above “The Borneo Deep Space Observatory.” String-heavy music in the background. “Of course I miss you, darling,” says a radar operator. “This is the loneliest place on Earth. Most exciting thing that happens here is a day when it don’t rain.” Suddenly, a new object appears on the radar! “What the heck is that?” Earth collision possible… odds of impact are 1 in 1!” according to the screen. “THE DIG” appears in big letters against a black background.

0:03 “The asteroid has been named Atilla after the leader of the huns,” says a TV commentator over video of a rocket launch countdown. The rocket launches, and we cut to a press conference. “If the shuttle is the last hope of the human race, then it will have to do the job, won’t it?” says Commander Lowe. The voice acting has a cheesy but sincere quality to it. The low-res animation does the job, but the mouths don’t even come close to matching the speech.

0:04 Reporter Maggie Robbins is in charge of laying the nuclear charges that will destroy the asteroid. Also, a candidate for Congress is part of the mission. This is starting to seem a little contrived. “We wanted the best and brightest for this mission,” the square-jawed Lowe explains. “My job is to keep everybody alive. I don’t have to be brilliant, I just have to be careful.”

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

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Spore Creature Creator

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Developer: Maxis
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Release Date: June 18, 2008
Systems: PC, Mac
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: And God said “It is good.”

0:00 I know this isn’t really a full game, but EA is selling it for nearly $10, so I figure it deserves a column. My previous experience with this game is pretty much limited to being live in the audience for this Robin Williams-led demo two years ago

0:01 I’m not including the roughly five minutes of install time in my minute-by-minute count, because I’m a horrible hypocrite.

0:02 I am, however, including the two minutes or so it took to download and install the EA download manager. Fair and balanced, that’s me.

0:03 Some gentle bells and synthesizer horns play in the background as I register for a Spore account. I’m KyleOrl if you want to follow my stuff.

0:05 Account registered. There are only two options against a whirling galaxy background: “create a creature” and “load a creature.” Well, since I don’t have anything to load…

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

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PixelJunk Eden

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Developer: Q-Games
Publisher: SCEA
Release Date: July 31, 2008
System: PS3
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: A garden party.
0:00 I’ve heard this game described as good but “hard to describe.” Good thing I don’t have to describe my experience playing it for the next hour or anything…

0:01 After adjusting the display size to my tiny SDTV and skipping through a 12-page license agreement, a title screen… grows. It’s red and yellow silhouettes of flowing flowers amidst a black background. Ethereal synth music drones on behind.

0:02 Before I know it an extremely tiny gnome-like guy appears on the floor. I bring up the options screen and immediately gravitate to “How to Play.”

0:03 “Eden is on an unknown garden. You use the oscillator to tune into other gardens which you can explore freely.” Um… what? The game recommends an HDTV and headphones. THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN, GAME!

0:04 So far, I’ve gathered that collecting floating Spectra, whatever they are, can make my home garden grow. “If the oscillator goes out of tune you will be ejected from the garden.” Oh sure… who wants an out-of-tune oscillator in their garden? Not me!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer